My house caught fire.

It's been 57 days since I discovered that my house was on fire.

Today is the first day I've been back home since the morning after it happened.

A lot of things have changed.

Walking back into a house that you last left blackened and covered in ash to find it renewed, different and yet to still feel it violated and ruined.

I wonder if I'll always be able to smell the smoke?

I feel like I let my house down by not being able to save it from this fate.
Corners of it still feel cold and damaged, the magnet on the fridge permanently fixed in its new melted form.

It's hard to explain why I feel so upset about a newly decorated house.
Maybe all the emotion from the fire is just finally coming out now.

My poor, beautiful house.

Why do we waste our time arguing?

Today I watched a video of an elderly woman opening a new pair of shoes for her birthday.

They were just trainers, a brightly coloured pair, given to her by her carer.

It got me thinking about how things will be when I'm older, and how the world will work then.

Then I started to imagine who will be around me in that world.

And I just started to cry.

I cried for all the people who might not be a part of my life then, because we're foolish enough now, at this vital point in our lives, to separate ourselves from those we love and care about, over pride... ignorance, and the inability to forgive and forget.

One day, we won't have the option to regain lost friends and blow it all off as if it were nothing.
It's harder to throw away 20 years of fighting and ignoring one another, instead of 20 days.

Or.... one of the two might not be around anymore to make amends.

You need to swallow your pride sometimes, own up that you were in the wrong; that you'd like to make a change.

We will never get these days back.
Make them worth remembering, with the people you most enjoy being around.

Because one day, it might be you crying over a pair of new shoes from a carer, as there's no-one left to remember that shoes were always your favourite thing to buy.

What it means to be Captain

A few of you who read this will already know I am my university's ballroom and latin dance Team Captain,
Aberystwyth DanceSport.
A few of you will know that although Aberystwyth is a well loved university by all that attend, it isn't exactly a largely funded or largely attended university. This makes it hard to run a sport that competes in very expensive circles against the likes of the Oxbridge, Edinburgh or Leeds (to name a few) who gain a lot more funding into their club and can afford expensive equipment and specialised coaches.

So... Being part of a small university sports team like Ballroom dancing, which, lets face it, isn't exactly as popular as football or netball, you come across a lot of difficulties.

But yesterday, our small team traveled to Birmingham to attend a friendly Varsity competition.
And we absolutely NAILED IT.

We didn't have any wins, as we all know, we are a taking part university, not a winning one. But, to have couples in Beginners Quarter Final rounds and Novice Semi Final rounds... some of them at their very first competition... It gives you hope. Hope beyond compare.

As their Captain, I am with them through every single training hour. Which means, even though my lectures don't start until the afternoon, I forgo my lay ins (although I work late nights until 2am) and I am up, and ready in the training room on campus ready to oversee and coach them through their routines.
I listen to their problems, I work out what isn't working and what could be better. I study how they move, how they walk, how they dance... for hours every day.

I then continue with my own day.. all the while going over routines in my head, and thinking of new tracks to bring tomorrow to practice with, updating the various Facebook groups, filling in application forms and looking at couples' dress choices for competitions.

My competition day starts about 2 weeks ahead. I fill in our application, and I make certain (by sending confirmations twice, in case they miss us out) that we are being included in the days events.
In the two weeks that follows I give up hours in my day to sit and observe routines, plan practice comps for experience, look over costume choices and make sure everyone is feeling confident, happy and ready for what lies ahead.

The day before the competition ... The apprehension sets in. I've got the spare hairspray, hair pins, tights, bun nets, food, sweets, red bull, extra shoes, shoe brushes, timetables, ipod for the journey and I've made a cake, the traditional Bara Brith... It's all ready.
Now all I have to do is get some sleep... because in a few hours, I will have to be awake enough to drive everyone to the competition. I get 4 hours in total sleep.
Then I'm up. And I'm excited.
I ring around, text.. make sure everyone is awake on time and feeling good.
Then we're off!
And everyone is asleep again.
I make the journey in the dark any time between 3am-8am with my beautiful bunch asleep in the bus with me, with occasional conversation.. run through of the day.. a stop for coffee.

And then we're there. And the real panic sets in.
Are they going to be able to do this?
Have I done enough?
Could I have given more time, paid more attention?
Are they happy?

10:00am Beginners round 1.... By this time, the first dance of the day, I have already been awake 24 hours.
And we have 10.5 hours left to go according to the preliminary time table - that will run over anyway.

I have a headache, I've had my eyes open too long... BUT. We're winning. We're absolutely blowing the room out of the water with our 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th call backs further and further into QF and SF rounds!
I've gone a bit croaky from screaming in support and cat calling out their numbers at the top of my lungs to drown out the Cardiff or Cambridge army. They need to hear me in support, because my god am I there.

Some disappointments... some tears. Reassurance that they did what they could... perhaps today wasn't their day. Don't get hung up on it... there will always be another one another time. This is your first go, I'm proud of you.
Then I have to dance. Albeit, it's only a small part of the day. But suddenly after 10 years of dancing follow, I'm dancing lead.. and all the muscle memory I have to call upon if things go wrong on the day, means nothing.
I have another headache.

But we're done. The kit is organised back into its bags... The tables are tidied.
I pick up my various stuff that I've left about the place when I've had to run over to the judges, over to the front desk, run to the changing rooms, run to the bus...
My hand has cramped up so much holding onto my Captain's Log notebook with the timetable, scores and numbers.
But, we're back on the bus. I've found us a 24 hour McDonald's. I've been bought McDonald's. I'm so grateful right now I can hardly handle it. This sugary food will get me through the majority of the journey.

9pm - Off home. I've now been awake 36 hours, with a small hour nap in the minibus during the day.
The journey home is a good one... lots of singing. I'm filled with so much happiness from the day that it's all coming out in Disney songs.
Then the fatigue sets in.
After two stops and two runs around the mini bus to get my eyes open.. we make it home. Everyone is dropped off.
I return the mini bus, we walk home.
3am - I crawl into bed. I turn my phone off.
We made it, we did it... And I love them.
I have now been awake 42 hours.
And it's been the best 42 hours I could ever ask for.

Being a Team Captain means you make sacrifices.
You give up time, you go the extra mile. Your priority is your team. They look to you... so you have to make sure you have the answers to their questions.
Sometimes I can hardly watch the rounds, I know what it means to them, I know what it means to me. I'm more nervous than any overlooking parent... And it's not even over when one couple are through.
I'm nervous 7 times over for each couple all through the day.

When we have days like yesterday, every single thing, every single hair pulling out stressful day, evenings in working through steps, early mornings to training, it is all worth it.
They're smiling, I'm smiling... And we are a team.


Aberystwyth Dance Sport...
I am proud to be your Captain.

Thank you for giving me this.

Onwards and Upwards.

Let's just skip summer shall we? 

It was a write off.

I did it, it happened, I got through it. I enjoyed it while it was my present, but let's not go back there.

I'm back in Aberystwyth University now. 

And for the first time in my life, I've been seriously considering my future. Like. Seriously. 

I was dropped out of my Masters course recently, and advised to only take my degree as far as a Bachelors. While this greatly upset me at the time, I think it's a blessing in disguise. 

I don't want to be a research physicist and spend days and days typing in numbers and getting wank all results back. 

I want to teach. 

When I was starting on my physics career back in 6th Form, I was told by my physics teacher, that I would never get far in the field because I was a girl. 

This, as you may imagine has put some serious fire in me ever since. But it makes me stop and think, how many girls are selling themselves short because they've always been told science is a mans world. 

It bloody well isn't. 

How many young girls would benefit, in their crucial years at school, having a girl, not too different from them, actually encouraging them to pursue their dreams, despite what they'd always been told. 

So instead of a Masters, perhaps a PGCE? Who knows. 

All I know is, apparently I couldn't get far in physics because I was a girl. 

Being a female physics teacher in the UK with a 2:1 degree gets you a MINIMUM £25,000 tax free bursary with head of department ambitions, even headmistress qualities. 

Put that in your bloody pipe and smoke it Mr Harper. 

Ticket for my destination

Okay, so earlier I was walking along the beach here at university (Aberystwyth, for those who don't know), and Homeward Bound by Simon and Garfunkel game on my ipod shuffle.

Normally this is a total expected event, I have a lot of their albums at my disposal as I'm quite the fan. But today it completely caught me off guard.
I just started to cry.

I don't even know now if I was crying at the thought of finally touching home ground after 2 years of being away at University... or the thought of actually having to leave this perfect town.

Whatever the reason, I know what is really bothering me.
I'm sick of living two lives. Or two halves of a life.
There are some people at home who I seriously care about... care more about than I'd like to admit most days.
But, I've grown seriously close to the people here in Aber too now.

I don't want to leave them, I don't want to abandon those at home.

How am I meant to cope without seeing these people every day?
How did I cope leaving home in the first place?

Some of my friends will never return to Aber after they leave this summer, it's their turn to move on.
How will I ever come back here knowing I have to continue living this half life without them around.

I will spend my whole life missing them, just like I've spent my whole life in Aberystwyth missing home.

A week on Sunday... RM6, I'm coming back.

Long time no blogg..

Firstly,
Let me make my apologies for the serious lack of blogging in about a year now. I forgot my email password so couldn't access the account. Those of you reading this who actually know me will know this is totally feasible. It's been hard as I've had tonnes of my mind and nowhere to vent it all!

Now, for the actual blogg.

Being this clever isn't as great as they always said it is.
There, I've said it.

This isn't an arrogant blogg by the way, I know I'm more clever than the average person and that's just that, ain't got time for modesty.

But seriously. It isn't great.

Okay yeah, I never failed anything in school and always got good grades and good opportunities, so that's the main point that everyone always says that they wish they were smarter because ...

But the real agony of being this clever? (Astrophysics-Masters-Degree-kind-of-clever)
Look, I can't even watch a movie without thinking 'This is scientifically wrong on so many levels'. Even those movies that sound proper smart and include tonnes of physics like The Avengers. I'm sitting there thinking, 'now.. quantum tunneling.. let's just think about that..'

There's a reason why most Physicists and Mathematicians either died young or with mental institution history.

Not to even start on the expectation everyone has of you.

For once I'd actually like to reply with,
'No, I honestly don't know how that works, please pass the Play-doh'

Friday Night Lights...

I don't know who of you out there actually have taken the time to watch the tv series Friday Night Lights. Those of you who have, you'll understand this post, the love that the show can bring out in someone, and the motivation some of the speeches in the series give people to keep going.
Those of you who haven't watched the series yet ( I say yet, because one day, when you need hope in your life, you will watch it. Often), I suggest you download it, buy it, rent it... watch it.

I watch this show with my parents, and it reminds me of all the love that home holds, and it gives me the strength to never give up.
I'd just like to share with you a short speech made by Coach Taylor. The game changer speech. I re-read this often. It helps me through the day.

"Give all of us gathered here tonight the strength to remember that life is so very fragile. We are all vulnerable, and we will all, at some point in our lives... fall. We will all fall. We must carry this in our hearts... that what we have is special. That it can be taken from us, and when it is taken from us, we will be tested. We will be tested to our very souls. We will now all be tested. It is these times, it is this pain, that allows us to look inside ourselves."

Clear eyes. Full hearts.
Cant lose.